Confessions of a paranoid mother

EJ has just started to eat his first solid meal -- a bowl of brown rice diluted in fruit juice or milk. This wonder boy never fails to explore anything possible that his little hands can grab. He is at a stage where curiosity overpowers and everything goes to the mouth. And this is where my paranoia starts...

First, my concern on "germs". His hands are touching every single object that comes his way and unfortunately with no warning, it also goes to his mouth. Clean-freak as I was and still am, I am greatly concerned that he may just pick up all the "seen and unseen" germ colony in the house. This anxiety causes extra hours of cleaning,washing, dusting, and baby-proofing just to make sure that he will not catch any uncalled for disease. Even seeing ants cause me to panic these days..

Second, he never stops wanting for more, do i give in or is this his first lesson of control? EJ seems to have found a new awareness of himself. Basically, he gets what he wants, and i'm half-guilty of being easily manipulated by his cute pleadings. We started him with a teaspoon or two of solid food but now he's wanting the whole bowl to himself ! True enough, the story never ends without any repercussion. He just had a bad constipation (as in,really bad). He did not pass motion for the past 6 days and i am so worried that I have to bring him to the doctor. The doctor gave him a suppository and whah! after 6 hours, the whole 6 days of waste just came out in one poop, it was so bad...it smells like rotten meat :-(. There's a lot of "I should have done this", and "I should have done that" debating in my mind. Bottomline, I should have done a better job controlling him of what he wants because after all, it should be the adult who knows better,right?

Third, my mind is so excited to see him grow up. I am already one book ahead in planning his clothes,his meals,his first birthday and etc. Every night I sleep with a picture in my mind, wanting to provide him only the happiest memories, the best education, the safest environment, the most nutritious and delicious food i can think of (which is partly why i have another blog,My Kitchen). I am far too ahead in planning his future, I might be loosing ground of the present. But, i just can't help it, nothing like this happened to me before and there is an involuntary inertia coming out of me to just provide for him whatever is best.

Haay...everything now revolves around EJ. I wonder what he must be thinking about his Mommy. Am I doing a good job? Does he love me as much as I love him? I may not hear the answer too soon, but, it is enough consolation for me to see him smile each time I come home. I am beginning to like my new role as a mother and hopefully, being one is what I will be good at.